Make sure your office appears swamped at all times. Your desk should always look as if you're in the midst of some incredibly time sensitive project. This way you can safely maximize the time you spend away from your office, goofing off.

For added protection, make sure the papers on your desk are arranged in stacks. Merely scattering them about will not do. This suggest disorganization. A calculator, a few stray apples and a strategically placed pair of eyeglasses will round out the organized-chaos effect.

Finally -- some work on your computer screen and a carefully placed sandwich remnant, preferably in a wrapper, will do much to enhance your office's overall ambiance. Not only do you appear to eat lunch at your desk, but you also seem too busy to finish it -- or even remember to throw it away. Be sure to replace it with a new freshly chewed sandwich every few days, though, or folks -- and insects may start to catch on.

Oh, one more thing. Stick ups. Tape some busy looking papers above your desk, on the file cabinet, even on your little cork board or dry mark board. Stuff like this can help people think you're trying to accomplish something.

To succeed in any organization it helps to know what your job is.

Never believe what you're told in an interview or preliminary discussions. The only place to find the truth is from your peers after you actually arrive at the job site -- so ask around. If you hire into some cushy corporate job and the answer is strategic planner, or some vague assistants title, or associate -- then you are pretty much free to lounge around, visit canteens, work crossword puzzles AND attend meetings, until retirement.

In an entirely different situation -- when you accept a position in a non-profit organization, like Toastmasters, and they say your duties mostly involve attending something called an Executive Committee Meeting -- WATCH OUT. What they really mean is you're pretty much responsible for the success of the club. Not to mention attendance at all local, state, and international conventions, all training sessions within 300 miles, club speech contests and other club activities.

But whether it's the "make a living job" or the "charity job", there's one duty you're gonna face -- Meetings. You need to get really good at attending to meetings. Meetings are the prestigious activity related to any job.

First, let me help you understand what a meeting is, then I'll share some strategies for surviving the two basic types of meetings. Meetings are places people go -- to learn what they already know -- but don't have time to do -- because of meetings.

Today's business meeting is like a funeral. You have a gathering of people, usually uncomfortably dressed, most of them would rather be someplace else. Meeting for a funeral, however, has a purpose. In a business meeting, an idea may look dead, but it will always reappear at another meeting. It is the way meetings reproduce.

There are two major kinds of meetings:

You need to know how to cope with both. Traditional meetings are held basically for the same reason Margaret and I go to Picadilly on Friday night. Just because it's Friday night. Managers like to meet on Monday, just because it's Monday. The traditional meeting works on the same premise of kindergarten show and tell -- difference is -- the kids can find something new to say.

In traditional meetings -- when it's your turn, you just say, like everybody before you said, "I'm still working on what I'm supposed to be working on." This is pretty dumb. Even if you weren't working on it, you would claim to be. The meeting would go faster if the leader would just say, "Everybody who is still working on what you're supposed to be working on, raise your hand." You'd be out of there in 10 minutes -- even allowing time for bad jokes.

The 2nd kind of meetings you must attend are the ones with some alleged purpose. You will always survive the traditional meeting but these special purpose meetings are trickier because the way you respond depends on the alleged purpose.

There are essentially two types of special purpose meetings:

Meetings for information sharing are usually pretty harmless. Just somebody wanting to show pie charts or hand out fat reports. All you do in this meeting is sit there and day dream, but of course try to keep your eyes open. You take the big fat report back to your office and throw it away -- unless you have subordinates -- in which case you write one on their names up in the corner with a big question mark and lay it on his desk when he's not looking. Let it plague old Norm for the rest of HIS life.

The B-type special purpose meeting, problem solving meeting is more dangerous. In some cases they want to make sure -- in case whatever it is turns out stupid or fatal -- you'll get some of the blame. This is serious. You must plan to escape the meeting before they get to you. Have an accomplice sneak in and get you for something alleged to be important. He should act like it's a phone call from the president of the company -- or the pope. Or have someone page you. Just look at your pager and say Lordy Mercy -- and run right out of there.

Whichever kind of meeting you're in -- it is important to take good notes. Here's how you do it.

Use a ruled pad. It's more impressive if it's yellow with turned up corners. At the top write the date and underline it twice. Now wait until an important person (such as your boss) starts talking. As he starts revealing the secrets of life itself -- start making small interlocking triangles all across the page.

When he drones on for -- way too long -- practice you S's. When he keeps going and going and going -- like the battery operated rabbit on the TV commercial -- draw neat little sketches of stick men, houses, cars, flowers and everything else. A common danger of meetings you really need to learn to live with is falling asleep. You don't really need to worry when this happens as long as you're prepared.

First of all -- remember -- the others are envious. They wish they were asleep too.

Second -- have a good response ready. When you have a rude awakening by being asked a question -- just say -- would you repeat the last part of what you said. I was thinking about my very important afternoon meeting.

Third -- don't panic -- even if you wake up to an eerie stillness and vacancy. It's not the rapture of the saints. It's your friends. They all slipped out quietly. Now they are in six other meetings telling the story and laughing at you. Just thank God the meetings over, you got your nap, and you have so many friends. You may even want to schedule a meeting to thank them. A traditional, special purpose, information sharing, problem solving meeting at Fuddruckers.

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